I guess it's been a minute. I'm at the aforementioned job now, and three months feels like no time and like forever.
i'm kinda going through it right now to be honest. it's been a really intense few months
I moved here and started dating, and for the first time got the chance to date people that aren't men and now I've realized that I'm probably a lesbian-- or what my friend told me is called a "berlin lesbian", which is just someone who dates anyone who isn't a man.
kind of crazy, I knew I could be attracted to women but i never thought it was this serious lol.
so naturally i got two nose piercings and 2 tattoos and now I'm learning to tattoo and i tattooed myself last week for the first time and I came out to my parents and my mom is being so fucking weird about it even though i literally just said i'm dating girls, not even that i'm a lesbian
I know it could be worse but it's still been hard on me
i also sort of fell in love with a one night stand i had
also i went out to a dj set rave (?? idk what constitutes a rave) and danced till 4am on saturday and it was so so so amazing like in my body it felt so good
took a 3 hour nap today which is why i am still up
i try to draw everyday, i've been obsessed obsessed with drawing and abstract drawing and drawing for tattooing
i feel like i'm finally becoming who i want to be
love
ephie
well, hello there. I guess it's been a while.
I broke up with the aforementioned boyfriend. I'm not going to write about that on here on the off chance he reads it.
in better news, I got a real adult full time job !! In the field that I studied for (which is CS)!!! YAY! It's in the city pretty near to where I grew up. I kinda wanted to go a bit further away, but now that this is happening I'm honestly so excited about it. I have friends there already which will be so nice. and I get to stay near my family which is also really important to me tbh, as cheesy as that sounds.
my friend also living in *city*, has a job interview tomorrow.... trying to send her out good thoughts on here... she really needs the job and it seems really cool.
tomorrow I'm going to go tour apartments. it's going to be my first time living on my own, which is crazy and really cool. I've lived with roommates the past 4 years, which has been fun. but now that I can afford to live alone I am really hyped for it. I'll get to decorate my own place, invite people over whenever I want.... I want to set up my tiny lil CRT in whatever living area I have and use it along with my laptop to emulate old games. i don't even know if I'm going to set up my regular PC. since I'll be programming all day idk if I'm going to want to game much, and i haven't been recently anyway. I think fun lil 90s games will be enough. i really like castlevania SOTN, but i've never actually finished it (i'm kind of bad at games and can't beat some of the bosses haha).
i've been thinking a lot lately about how i'm really in like Real Life now. sounds dumb to be realizing that now, but i think all through college i was really only focused on graduating and not planning what i wanted my life afterwards to be like at all. now i know a bit more, and it's kind of dawning again on me that my main goals and purposes remain to learn, have fun, connect with people, and be kind to people, and then also to figure out if we have any sort of greater cosmic purpose or whatever. but fuck, life is so fun!! there's so many things to do. beautiful things to see. new stuff to experience. people to meet.
well, besides my recent emotional turmoil, i'm doing well. so many changes in my life in so short a time. it's wild.
love,
ephema
well an update on my whole bf situation is i looked at his twitter and now i am concerned. i guess i'm just writing on here bc at least maybe someone out of the void will read this and know i feel like puking. maybe he'll read it idk but he's probably forgotten about this and i'm so spotty on here anyway.
until now i'd felt a lot better today. i guess i kinda forgot that i'd been thinking about this stuff for a bit and he just got hit with it all out of the blue. i feel a lot of relief still about being honest. i'm so used to sharing all of my thoughts and feelings with my bf, and it felt weird to not say something as soon as i first started having... idk thoughts and reservations abt our future. idk bruh this whole thing sucks. it feels awful to think that i've hurt the person i've spent the last 4.5 years trying to make as happy as possible, and that i've spent 4.5 years loving more than basically anything else in this universe.
time to deal with my emotional turmoil by reading trashy fantasy novels again i guess.
i hope everyone else is having much better emotional times out there.
love,
ephema
i had a really rough conversation with my boyfriend today. technically he knows about this site but i don't think he ever looks at it, at least he's never mentioned looking at it besides like the time i made it.
but i won't go into detail in case he reads this, bc that would be shitty
anways, i feel like human trash. wretched. wretched might be the best description. felt like writing it out somewhere.i think i'm going to go drink a beer and read my trashy fantasy romance novel and maybe watch Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (yes, that teen movie based on the book) bc for some reason that's like my comfort movie. well, that and Valerian and also Ready Player One but both of those are too cheerful for my mood i think. basically, time to wallow. i just feel hollowed out and vaguely panicky, like i keep feeling like im on the edge on a panic attack or a migrane. i am living w my parents rn (temp. while i look for work) and my dad's like 75 and i just keep thinking how youth is truly wasted on the young. i have all this strength and vigor and energy and all i've done this week is drown in my feelings bc i'm an emotionally stunted person and also a coward.
overall, having feelings sucks, sorry for any of you out there that have feelings, this blows.
love,
ephema
I've started working on making my two books of basically quarentine poems into this document thing.
i have the vague idea to share it on here as like a... pdf? i guess? anyways lol i'll figure that out later.
so far it feels really good to sort of sift through my art like this, organize it and mold it into something that might be good or interesting at least. i've always thought my quarentine poems were sort of shit, and that is still true sometimes, but honestly they are really not bad. some i like a lot. and i'm keeping them in chronological order so you can kind of see my descent into sadness lol. i'm also putting in some pictures from the times or from things i was writing about. so far it is looking kind of good? i feel satisfied. i also need to sleep LOL. going to watch some youtube in my living room and eat chips and salsa and sleep.
maybe in a week or two these will be ready to put out here: they are called
- Volume I: The Green Book
- Volume II: The Red Book
because that was the color of the notebooks. Interestingly i thought that i has way more stuff in the red book, but turns out i abandonded it only half full last winter. maybe i will revive it....
anways. i hope you are having a good night, if anyone is reading this.
with love,
ephema
hey, it's been a while (as usual). I guess i'll do a lil general life update-- i graduated college and moved back home. now i'm looking for work.
i actually have had a really nice summer for the most part. i did a lot of travelling and visiting my friends. i went to spain and LA and the coast and Seattle and the san juan islands. now i've been home for a bit over a week i think after my last real trip. unfortunetly i think i am
currently in a bit of a downhill spiral.i've been reading a ton. in the past week i've read 2 books about physics (and i'm mostly done reading einstein's Relativity), 2 novels, and 2 complete books of poetry, plus i've read a ton of other assorted poetry. so the reading part has been really fun but i'm terrible at being this listless and unstructured. i'm sporadically job searching and i've done a few interviews but it's so hard to want to do anything, and i feel so tired. which is just incredibly lame bc i've just had the best summer. but i feel so listless and i don't care about anything
i'm also feeling down for a few other personal reasons i dont really want to put on here.
also i'm trying to decide where to move and stuff because holy fuck this is like real life now
i was thinking i wanted to move to LA, and i had this huge weird period in the middle of summer where i was thinking i should just abandon all the CS stuff and run away and get famous being an artist. i've always had this weird feeling it wouldn't be that hard to get famous for art or singing or whatever i wanted. idk.
now i'm kinda back on this whole physics kick, i just read a few books that were really inspiring and idk i just feel sometimes like getting a regular job doing regular things and getting paid money and all that isn't going to be enough for me, i can never do anything that i don't really want to do for very long. anyways this whole thing is kinda pretentious bc i am so so so lucky that i have a college degree and im going to use it im just nervous i suppose. but i've been thinking about at some point in my nearish future returning to school and getting a PhD in physics and kinda doing that whole thing. physics is like spirituality to me. it's like a higher calling, being a physicist would be like being a priest. and i'm also thinking about moving to Seattle instead of LA, because i also live up north, and it started raining this week for the first time after summer, and the leaf smell is just beautiful and the wind and the cold is wonderful and the trees are changing and the rain smells like something new and holy and the cloudy sky at night is bewitching and i love walking through dewy trees and sitting in the rain and hearing the rain and being cold and i am not entirely sure i can give all that up for sun and palm trees and pollution.
also i read so much Shelley today (he's my favorite poet) and i think i figured out a little bit of how to write in iambic pentameter
so here's a poem i wrote today, it's not perfect iambic pentameter but idk i feel like putting it on here:
I throw my toes into the sea-stones chatter
Grabbed upon the rocks with fingers tattered
Pinned to Earth head back sweet time slowing
like snow. The sun's ring faint and glowing
past the rosy clouds into the dome.
Soft sentient friend you see me watching,
clutching at your skirts my only off'ring--
You smile at me from green grey cliffs so tall
Madronas cling and you embrace them all,
you hold us like the children that we are.
love,
ephema
well.... yet again i heven't written for a bit. I've actually started journalling in a real physical journal again like i used to so i haven't thought much about this site. but why not writ ehere too! i am also AGAIN procrastinating on homwork. i am back from winter break, which was a totally awesome escape from reality.
i think one of the best things i did over break was finish reading the lord of the rings trilogy, specifically when i accidentally woke up at like 5:30 am the day after chrsitmas (i passed out real early on chrsitmas hahah) and read the last of the return of the king by the fire in the semi darkness whilst drinking blue tea. it was so surreal and awesome. i think that's now one of my favorite books and series, like, ever. one of the other best things i got to do was ski. i really really really love skiing. luckily i grew up near a mountain so my parents taught me when i was like 3 years old, and i cant even remember learning. it just feels like second nature to me. there's something so uniquely strange and gorgeous about skiing. you're in this borderline alien land, everything is bright white and the sky is like a giant blue orb pressing down on you, the snow mist that the wind blows is sparkling on the air, the trees are crusted sentinels, and you're going so fast and when you go down something steep enough it's like you're falling falling falling down into the world over and over again. i also swear i start to hear music in my head when i ski, and it's the most beautiful songs that don't exist and i can never remember later. as u can tell i really like skiing lol. i really want to be a ski bum for at least part of my life. i just think skiing is like some of the most fun you can ever have. anyways.
im back at school now. i have my thesis and my senior project to do. terrifying LOL. especially the senior project bc it's a group project and i Dont Love Group Projects. kinda just stressed all the time now. trying not to be and stay ahead of stuff so i don't get stressed. clearly am not doing this right now. although generally im pretty ahead still ahha. ok. well. maybe i should go read the book for my english class lol.
love,
ephema
haven't written in a little bit. updated this site quite a bit yesterday, was fun to do. currently, school has been pretty intense... right now, i have a lot of big stuff looming and it's stressing me out a bit.
the day after tomorrow, though, i get to go home for thanksgiving! my mom is a suuuuuuuuper good cook so i am excited. I usually help her out in the kitchen too, which is fun.
Well, I'm pretty much writing this to procrastinate on my homework.... whoops. I'm looking forward to winter break when I can just chill and sit by the fire and read books. Maybe I should add a book review page onto here, I do really like to read and I read quite a bit..... anyways.... I should go do homework so I can stop being stressed about it
Oh first though, i went to the beach yesterday with my boyfriend on a date. We had a lovely really long walk on the beach at dusk-- we got there right at sunset -- and it was very nice. we talked about a lot of things, which was cool because I really like talking to him. The ocean is so majestic and lovely....
love,
ephema
well, I'm back in school now. it's honestly pretty fun! i dropped down to only 13 credits and i'm mostly doing projects and stuff not real classwork (except for my one really really hard class lol).
i don't know, sometimes i feel like i am just existing and life is passing me by. i feel like that right now.
i don't really know how to change it though. i have a great relationship with my family and i like my boyfriend and i have a couple friends, what more do i need?
sometimes i do still find it hard to communicate with other people though. sometimes i think it is because people don't like me. sometimes i think it is because i actually don't like many of the people i come across too. well, maybe not even dislike, more like not understand. sometimes i also think it is because i actually am just autistic and i don't understand other people like everybody else does. who knows. it doesn't really matter.
sometimes i catch myself wondering if other people are "real" people or not. like the things people do and the way their faces move and the things they say seem so fake to me. i guess it's hard to imagine other people's inner lives though. i don't know if i even beleive anyone else has an inner life like i do. not that i think i'm like better than anyone, sometimes i just think i really am the only conscious person to ever exist. which idk i mean who knows.
earlier in the summer i was thinking that i wanted to find some sort of religion or something to give myself a way to think about higher topics and existence and stuff. yesterday i kept thinking about going to church and the feeling of sitting in a huge church or cathedral. i love cathedrals. the big stone ones. they feel so quiet and cool and fresh. it's like you can hear the years all settling in the ground into the dirt past the stone.
sometimes i think that as i have gotten older i have become increasingly possed by earthly desires and pleasures, i think that when i was younger, like 14-17, i was much more interested in discovering what the purpose of the universe is, now i feel like i have almost given up. i talk about it to people and no one seems to care either.
again, maybe that's on me. sometimes i don't even bring it up because i don't want to seem pretentious or anything, but seriously, no one fucking ever wants to talk about it and i'm sick of it. the amount of people i have asked their thoughts on our existance and the meaning of living and the purpose of life and consciousness and humanity and they just say "ah that scares me to think about" like what the fuck. else are you supposed to think about. what else is there. that's everything. that's the big mystery that's the only thing worth learning and the worst part is i know i am never going to learn it until i die and maybe not even until then this whole life is like a big search and question of trying to find out why and why and why and i won't even know i'll just have to keep guessing what the point is and feeling like my life is empty because i don't know. because i don't know and i have no clue why anything exists at all and why life exists and why i can think thoughts and stuff.
oh well i guess.
well it's been a while lol. went on a trip with my friends which was really fun.
the past two days i've just basically been holed up in my house or hanging out with my bf.
on the bright side sex with the bf is fun, but i haven't seen him in like a day and have been falling into a void of obsessively playing zero build fortnite and becoming nocturnal again. i woke up at 5pm today and was so depressed about it that i didn't get out of bed until 6:30... .
i am not sure why it so easy for me to slip back into this sort of schedule where i am up all night and sleep all day. i had such a good sleep schedule for like a month and a half this summer but i am slowly ruining it again. actually not even slowly very quickly lol
classes start again in a week.... i got a job as a TA which will be fun and also i'll hopefully be broke a bit less
for a bit this week all i had was $0.57 in the bank and $12 cash lol.
also diet dr. pepper is fucking awesome. well, we'll see if i update this before classes. if not, i'm probably falling deeper into a weird fortnite obsession. god that sounds so cringey. lol.
love,
ephema
i'll write about the last 10 days later perhaps.
just wanted to write something here.
saw a girl today at a coffee drive thru that i knew from high school, i couldn't place her name so i just said "hey i know i know you..." and then she somehow remembers my name and that i'm going to school and where i study and idk it was just weird. she is a few years younger than me. i'm surprised she remembered me. i wish i had new friends where i live. sometimes it's nice to be reminded that at one time people actually liked me and knew me.
today was nice. i spent most of the day on the river with my family and boyfriend. he smiled and joked and laughed a lot, and was really affectionate. i think it is the most joyful i have seen him act in a while, which made me happy. i don't feel too weird writing about him on here. he knows about this site (he's the only one who knows actually), and i think he looked at it once, but i doubt he would read this with any frequency-- it would be unlike him. i think he is the type of person that just likes to know people on a people-like basis, and not like deep dive into their souls and inner world and stuff. personally, i love to try and imagine people's inner worlds. it's fun. that's part of why i like neocities-- through the anonimity of the internet, people really bare their souls on here sometimes, and it makes me feel less lonely to read it.
not that i'm really that lonely-- only the type of lonely everyone gets from being the only person inside their head. also i don't really have any friends besides the few i've kept from highschool lol, but that's a whole other issue.
watched interstellar with my parents. i'd already seen it. i still like it. i don't think any space epic will top 2001:a space odyssey..... but interstellar is good. the music is amazing, i love hans zimmer.
oh yeah-- and my phone is broken. still is on and i can "recieve" calls and notifications, but the screen is completely black. very annoying. i've been trying not to use my phone that much, and have brought my daily use average down to about an hour and a half-- most of which is utilitarian type stuff since i deleted all social media. my one remaining vice is watching too much youtube. but at least i usually am learning something.
i wish i could just have an old flip phone or something-- i know i'd miss being able to browse the internet, and being able to participate in various other things that are becoming societally necessary and that require smartphones..... but still.
this is sort of an odd change of topic-- but i've been really proud of myself lately for doing so well mentally. just now i was proofreading the paragraph above where i said i was a bit lonely being the only one in my head. i remember when i was younger the thought of always being in my head and alone in here was absolutely horrific. the thought of being stuck in here forever like this made me want to kill myself. like, literally. i mean i also wanted to kill myself for a lot of other reasons, many of which were tied up with my intense self hatred. but for the past....yearish? i haven't had any desire to kill myself at all. and i also used to get these terrible intrusive thoughts-- mostly about stabbing or cutting myself to death. mostly with a kitchen knife. sorta graphically. a while ago i was looking through my old journals and i came across a list i had made, maybe when i was like 16 or 17, of things i thought i had to do to get my mental health back in shape. and years later, i realized that i had done almost everything on the list. so i take a little bit of credit for helping myself, and i am proud. :) it feels nice and comfy in my head now. and i don't even know if my mental health was that bad. part of me thinks i kind of exaggerated all of it. i'll never forget something that my old friend once said to me-- "you're not depressed unless you've had a gun in your mouth.". i remember his tone and his scorn when he said it, but i'm still not entirely convinced it was a mean or dismissive thing to say. isn't it better to never have really been depressed? i mean, i'm sure glad it never got that bad. then again, i never had access to a gun, and i've held knives to my skin, but i still think it's somewhat of a distinction. anyway, i'm glad that my mental health seems to have improved. the only downside is i think that i stopped needing to make art so much. i always thought that might happen. but i think it is worth it.
love,
ephema
well yesterday was nice. i mostly hung out with my mom and went to some of the shops in the really tiny downtown. i also worked on my thesis in the morning. at night, my mom opened a fancy bottle of chardonnay and i got mildly tipsy with her, it was exacerbated by the fact that i only got like 3 hours of sleep the night before. oh yeah, and my relatives left that morning. me and my mom bought fancy bras at this store downtown, which was also nice because i only own one bra. they measured me and apparently i am a 34dd now which is kind of crazy. i swear my tits grew when i was like 19 and 20. i used to be a b cup and i didn't get fat, so i guess i just got some bonus boob lol.
i don't know if i have mentioned but my hometown is really small. like around 5000-10,000 people, depending on which of the even tinier surrounding towns you count along with it. so in highschool everyone knew everyone's business, and now whenever i'm back and go to the supermarket i see at least a couple people i know. but it's really pretty here, so it's actually a pretty nice tiny town to live in. it's nice that even if i get drunk somewhere i can walk back home late at night and never be worried, because there's so little crime here. it's the only place i ever feel safe going places alone at night.
today i had a dentist appointment. i got a couple light fillings, just to keep cavities from forming. now the teeth they fixed up are perfect looking, and half my mouth is numb lol.
not doing much today. reading twilight, because when i was a teenager i never read it for some reason, which is weird because i read soooooo many books, especially cheesy YA stuff like twilight. now i'm reading it because i want to read something easy and entertaining, and honestly i feel like i'm missing out on american culture by not having read it lol.
i just finished reading my year of rest and relaxation. it was okay. the whole young-rich-white-woman-has-problems genre was fun at first but i think i have read too much of it at this point, and mossfegh (i'm spelling this wrong)'s writing style isn't really to my liking. maybe i'll add a book review page to this site. i read a lot.
ok. love,
ephema
still in my hometown.
i actually forgot my personal journal so i might actually have to write a few like events down here.
on the 10th: hung out with my boyfriend because it was his birthday
on the 11th: UUUUUuuuhhhhhhh i think this might have been the day i read 300 pages of a book and that's it
on the 12th: my relatives came to town, i think we just hung out or maybe we had the big dinner this night
on the 13th: went to a lake with my relatives, very nice
today: went on a hike with my relatives
as you can tell i have horrible memory for day to day type of stuff, often if i don't journal i lose track of life completely. in terms of actual physical journals, i kept them religiously, writing almost every day, from 3rd grade until my freshman year of college. i was on my 39th journal. then over quarentine and such i sort of stopped writing. so now all of covid feels like a fever dream because i don't remember anything. i have a really bad memory for events and stuff, but an almost photographic memory for anything i read for some reason. so if i stop writing down my life i forget it.
it's weird, i think journalling gives a more concrete expression to my own "inner voice" or "inner monologue", whatever that is supposed to mean. i don't know about anyone else, but i don't usually hear an actual"voice" in my head, i kinda just like bang around in there. like i'm floating. but journalling makes it feel like i am a real person who has a distinct way i use words and stuff.
i don't remember if i've said this here but i beleive in some sort of soulish type thing. i've studied it pretty extensively, including in a college class, and science so far can't find a link from our brain to our conscious experience. for clarities sake and because i like to remember this, all consciousness really is is how it is like to be something. like if it's like something to be you, you are conscious. my consciousness is just that there is something there is like to be me. also i hope i am spelling conscioussness and conscious right i study it so much and i always fuck up the spelling anyway. anyways so science can't tell me that there isn't a soul so i think there is one because i feel like it. also because reality and all the weird shit that is real and allowed for life and stuff and conscioussness to form is so fucking absurd that there has to be some sort of purpose. like the laws of physics didn't just like,,,,get here you know?? like why these laws. i've also had 2 out of body experiences so that adds to it.
also okay i have a theory about life. so there's entropy right. the thing where stuff intrinsically wants to spread out until everything is even (this is a rough definition). well, life is one of the very few anti-entropy forces. when living creatures form, we are basically a bunch of matter globbed together and chilling for a while, procreating (to create more anti-entrpy creatures), until we die. i don't know why there is an anti-entropy force but ??. i guess there is gravity too but technically gravity isn't really drawing things together it's just a property of matter that means it bends space-time. or maybe it's something about the fighting of entropy that creates life.
being conscious is so fucking weird though. like we totally didn't have to be. we could just be doing all the same shit we do now to stay alive but without actually experiencing it. language is also a consideration-- terms like "my body" (something "you" have but are not intrinsically) or the use of "me" and "I" to refer to just your thoughts. and also okay have you ever thought about how while you can "feel"/experience the inputs from your body and your senses, you don't actually have that much access to the inner workings of your body? like i don't know how, like, my kidneys are doing right now. or my liver. or lungs. or anything else. i'm just kinda here. my body feels to me much more like something i am inhabiting than something i "am".
maybe the idea that consciousness comes from the brain is partially influenced by the fact that most of our intricate sensory input organs are in our heads along with our brains. since the focus of our consciousness is often on stuff in our head by our brain maybe we subconsciously associate our consciousness with our brains. i mean i know that the fact that brain is the control center of the body is the main reason people think consciousness stems from there, but hmm. i mean, if you are closing your eyes and touching something with your hand, the focus kind of goes to that sensation. the sensation of being is what it's like to touch that thing with your hand.
this is going really off the rails and i think i am presenting my points kinda bad but probably no one will ever read this so!!!!
i am trying lately to see if i am magical/have powers. jesus that sounded stupid. but like i want to see if i can somehow connect with the universe to use its power. like to predict the future or make things happen. or to like astral project. which i'm not sure i even beleive in lol.
ok. i will stop now.
i love you!!!
ephema
well, i am in my hometown now.
i hung out with my boyfriend last night after not having seen him for a like a week and a half (we've been together for like 3 years and that still seems like a long time to not see him haha) and had really hot sex in his car lol.
i know that sounds like an oxymoron but really. we drove way out on these backroads while a thunderstorm was brewing, and i could feel the summer night breeze on my face and see the shadows of trees out the window while he was railing me.
anyways SORRY not trying to be TOO graphic like what if someone from my real life finds this??? what i really mean was that it was pretty romantic.
today i hung out with one of my childhood friends, who was also in town, basically all day.
we had a lot of really interesting conversations, but for part of the day i had this unnerving feeling that we were on sort of... different wavelengths? i don't know how else to say it. like just the way she talked about things was in a way i felt like i couldn't relate to. maybe it was also the weather. we had been out on this hike out in the hills and when we were getting back it was like i could feel the barometric pressure changing with the incoming clouds. the air felt wet and fresh. the gossamer of our world felt thin.
later though, i went to her house and we smoked weed and layed down on her deck and looked at the stars and talked. saw some beautiful and stunning shooting stars, presumably part of the persieds shower. one was just crazy, it was massive and had this thick, multicolored, flaming tail. that talk felt more normal and like our friendship was like it has always been. i think if it's either of us, i'm the one changing. either way, i think my earlier feeling was just a weird feeling and we will still be able to be friends.
haha i almost want to write more about all my feelings but i still feel weird that this is a public journal that anyone can see.
i'm sure i'll get used to that eventually. or add more stuff to this site so i can bury this a bit lol.
on a totally unrelated note, i really want to find some sort of spiritual practice or theory that i can connect with. i was raised loosely christian, and by that i mean i went to church every sunday but the church was the super chill kind that likes gay people and the pastor would always go on rants about climate change. but regardless, i don't feel much connection to the faith anymore, i mean i think that jesus was probably a real guy and was pretty cool and all, but i researched the bible pretty heavily during those years and didn't like the old testament and revelations, mostly because of their dubious origins and also the general fact that only a select few books really made it into the bible. i even read a bit of the gnostic bible or whatever-- those books that got left out.
ANYWAYSSSS that was a tangent i'm not a christian anymore and i didn't really feel that i needed a religion for the longest time and was actually sort of antireligion but at the same time since i was like 17 and until now i have been obsessed with researching physics and theories of consciousness and all that, because to me that will be the way to figure out what all of this means and stuff.
by "all of this" i mean my three big questions: 1) why does anything exist at all when it could just not exist? 2) why does life exist instead of not existing? and 3) why are we (or at least me, since i am really the only one that i can "confirm" to be conscious) conscious instead of not?
well anyways so no one actually knows any of the answers to those questions and if there is any sort of purpose to being "here" or whatever.
personally, i think the fact that everything and life and consciousness exists is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too weird for there not to be any purpose whatsoever.
so that's where religions or schools of thoughts come in. trying to see our connection to whatever purpose there is to being here. trying to find out why we are here. trying to find out why i am here.
sometimes i think like this and i think that doing my little studies and playing with my made up money and eventually working for my little job for my little food for my little life is dumb. not dumb. idk. more like-- small? what does it matter. silly? but what else would i do anyway? sit under a tree?
i'm not sure. what any of it means. but i would love to have a way to be consistently thinking about it, questioning it, and learning.
maybe i should just start reading physics books again. or start reading real research papers. that might help. or maybe i should jump on the witchy trend and start lighting candles and touching crystals.
well, that was long. i'm super sleepy. i actually already was asleep for like an hour on my couch but i woke back up. i should sleep again.
love,
ephema
my friend is coming to visit me today.
i have been thinking about how to make friends in the town i live in.
i'm not sure if i'm just kinda weird, or unintentionally aloof, or lacking in social skills, or ????????. i have had a hard time making friends here. i think it might be a bit because i am a girl and i'm studying computer science, which is mostly guys.
every year i have gone into it saying i will try some new way to make friends, and i do, but nothing seems to work. oh well. at least i have some old friends, and my roommates are nice, and i have a boyfriend.
ugh i sound like such a downer. there's a lot of good things in my life right now. sometimes it's hard for me to walk the line between trying to process how i feel and having gratitude for the good things. i seem to get caught up in my emotions easily and kinda forget eveything else?? anyway. i'm going to have a fun day.
love,
ephema
my favorite part about neocities has always been that you can read the thoughts, fears, and dreams of random people on the internet that you don't know. so i sorta feel like adding to that. just because i get something out of it maybe i should contribute. i just like reading the thoughts of others because it is sort of comforting to know that there are other people out there thinking real human thoughts and being confused and everything.
i am 21 and i live in a small town in a house with a few other people. i go to university. i live in america. i study computer science. i'm an artist. i like to draw and sew and read and swim and ski and garden and take photographs on shitty old cameras and program and read about physics and write poems and watch movies sometimes and hike and paint and play the bass occasionally and sing very loudly in my car.
anyway so today i read a book. it was pretty good. i had intended to use the day to work on my thesis entirely, but i am having one of those weird mental blocks where it's hard to really start anything or finish anything or do anything else but sort of listlessly wander around and exist. i went to Sally's and bought color remover because i don't want my hair to be black anymore. it's blond naturally.
i went to the public library again. i go there all the time. i read a lot. i used to read a lot as a child and then i stopped but now i started again.
maybe i am still in a bit of a funk because i got a bad migrane yesterday. i get those occasionally, and they suck. like i could have worse problems, but they still suck.
my friend is coming to visit me the day after tomorrow. i'm pretty excited for this!! i hope i can come up with enough fun things to do while she is here. i'm really broke and can't really afford to spend money on much.
i really should start to work on my thesis again. i want to start writing a sort of preliminary program for it that will be somewhat of a proof of concept. i have been doing a lot of research but that doesn't give me tangible results and i kind of want that.
i also miss my boyfriend. he is probably the only person who might someday read this journal, becuase he's the most internet person i know. i don't really have any other friends (from real life) that go on the internet. i don't have social media anymore, and i also basically lost all my internet friends. so yeah, i guess my boyfriend really would be the only person i know who would see this.
well this post is getting rather long, especially considering it's pretty likely that no one will ever read it. it feels kind of good to put real human words out into the void, to gather up, the bytes like a cluster of bugs or dust or water, clinging to some harddrive somewhere like mold, and leave them there to fester. if the world ends, will anybody every recover any word on any byte? computers are so complex i'm stunned that they ever work. if we all die and aliens arrive or some new sentient species evolves enough to look into our wreckage, everything on the internet might die or maybe they'll read it.
anyway time to send these human feeling mold bytes off to rot on a hard drive, contributing to the never ending human primordial soup of soul.
love,
ephema